Stupid Cats

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Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I know – no one wants to hear about my insomnia, but tough – this is my blog, so we’re talking about how I didn’t sleep last night, dammit! Anyway, I tossed & turned for what seems like one billion years, and then finally, mercifully, I was drifting off to sleep when I heard a hellacious racket coming from the back yard. At first I thought it was coyotes, and I started wondering if it was possible to get photos in the dark without being eaten by coyotes (I’m delicious, after all  I have to keep these things in mind). But when I opened the sliding doors, I realized that it was not, in fact, coyotes, but a couple of stupid, boring cats. No one wants night photos of stupid boring cats.

I tried laying back down to sleep, bu they got louder and more annoying. and then I started worrying that MY cat had gotten out and was out there yelling for me to let her in. Now, there as NO WAY I could sleep. I didn’t ant to wake the entire house, so I kept the lights off & stumbled around truing to find the cat. I went from room to room calling her. Of course she did exactly what cats do when you call them: NOTHING. So I got a flashlight to look for her. Then the dog saw the flashlight beam and LOST HIS SHIT. By this time, it’s 1:00am, and I am creeping around MY OWN HOUSE like a burglar, calling a cat, which everyone knows is futile, if not totally stupid, all the while trying to keep the idiot dog from waking the whole family up.

Me (whispering): “Psst…Mittens?…Here Kitty”

Dog (totally not whispering): “FLASHLIGHT! OMG WHAT IS THAT? IT’S A LIGHT! IT’S MOVING!!! OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!!!!!!

Yeah – that was fun.

I couldn’t find the damned cat anywhere, so I opened he doors again and tried to see if I could see the cats. One was long-haired and brown & white. Definitely not her. The other was all black and about her size & shape (lump is a shape, right?). So now I’m really worried that she got out. I couldn’t tell if she had a collar on, so I went downstairs to look out the basement door. I still couldn’t see a collar. So there I was, outside int the cold rain, shining a flashlight on two asshole cats who just looked at me like, “Can’t you see we are BUSY! God!” And they weren’t even really busy. It’s not like they were doing the kitty mamba or anything – they were just practicing their duet for the local wildlife talent show. And you guys – their singing SUCKED. It was the worst song, ever. It didn’t sound anything like “Memory.”

Now that I knew it wasn’t MY cat out there, I went back upstairs & tried to sleep. But the singing got louder and more off-key every minute. And the dog was still pissed about the light getting away. Then the boy must have heard the stupid cat serenade and started yelling at Mittens. IN HIS SLEEP. He was yelling at the (mostly) innocent cat in his sleep. And then the dog was like, “Screw the cat – there was A LIGHT!”

By this time, it was 1:30 and I pretty much gave up on sleep. But then, one again – mercifully – I started to drift off again. Right in time for Mittens to make her way into the room and start singing her own song. A song called “I am a Dick”

Stupid cats.

Parenting

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Here is parenting in a nutshell:

 

Parent: How do you want your hair?

Child: Do it this way.

Parent: How do you want your hair?

Child: Do it this way.

Parent: How do you want your hair?

Child: Do it this way.

Repeat 1 billion additional times

Parent: There – I did it the way you like.

Child: OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT IS THE WRONG WAY! I HATE IT THAT WAY!

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Parent: What do you want for dinner?

Child: Burgers! Burgers are my favorite! I want burgers EVERY DAY!

***3 months of begging for burgers every day***

Parent: Guess what? We’re having your favorite!

Child: Mac & cheese?!?

Parent: No – burgers.

Child: OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HATE BURGERS! YOU KNOW MAC & CHEESE IS MY FAVORITE!

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Child: I’m hurt*.

Parent: Really? I think you’re fine.

Child: I AM hurt. You never believe me.

Parent: But you were fine all day and now suddenly you’re hurting?

Child: YES!

Parent: It’s not bruised or swollen. I think it’s fine.

Child: I’M HURT AND YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME! IT HUUUUUUUUURTS. I’M DYYYYYYYYYING!

Parent: OK, fine – let’s go get it checked.

Doctor: She’s fine. I can’t find anything wrong. (thinking: Man, woman you are a crazy helicopter parent)

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That last scenario will play out approximately 600 times, until you have paid one million dollars in copays & xray fees until:

 

Child: I’m hurt.

Parent: Really? I think you’re fine.

Child: I AM hurt. You never believe me.

Parent: But you were fine all day and now suddenly you’re hurting?

Child: YES!

Parent: It’s not bruised or swollen. I think it’s fine.

Child: I’M HURT AND YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME! IT HUUUUUUUUURTS. I’M DYYYYYYYYYING!

Parent: No – just prop it up on a pillow and you’ll be fine. I am not rushing to have it x-rayed just for them to tell me you’re fine. You Are Fine.

***3 weeks later***

Doctor: She would have been fine if you had brought her in 3 weeks ago, but now she’s messed up (thinking: Man, woman you suck at being a parent)**

 

*Sick can be swapped in for hurt – in which case you will send your clearly un-sick kid to school, where she will promptly barf all over everyone, while telling her teacher that she told you she was sick but you didn’t believe her.

**This last scenario hasn’t happened to me yet, but I am waiting for it.

Keep Your List, People Magazine. I Have My Own.

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Every day I see another email – another headline on an entertainment (or, sadly, news) site – another magazine cover:

Celebrity bikini bodies!

See [insert actress]’s baby bump!

The Most Beautiful Women in the World!

Look at [insert famous person]’s body – just 3 months after baby!

Wow – [insert woman]’s amazing weight loss!

.

And even more depressing:

Celebrity cellulite!

[Insert actress]’s shocking weight gain!

See [insert famous woman] without makeup – barely recognizable!

Whoa – [insert actress] gains 60 pounds during pregnancy!

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And then today, People Magazine released its list of the most beautiful women.

Look – I’m not perfect. I try not to show my own dissatisfaction with my body to my daughter. I try, but I’m not always successful. But even if I were, my daughter – your daughter – everybody’s daughter – is confronted with these stories and emails every day, too. The stories that tell them that they are not good enough.

As a society, we are failing our girls by focusing on beauty (outer beauty, anyway). I was watching a local news show a few weeks ago and they had a mother & daughter from a local company, and they were talking about how important it is to be beautiful inside and out. I know they thought they were saying something good by including the “inside” part, but including the “out” pretty much cancelled any good intentions. It’s not important to be beautiful on the outside. It’s just not. It obviously is to society,
I suppose, because society is broken.

I don’t care – and I don’t want my daughter (or my son for that matter) to care – about who gained weight or who lost weight, or who has cellulite or who is beautiful. I would much rather read about who is helping children, who is educating the world, who is empowering women. Instead of a list of the most physically beautiful women in the world, let’s have a list of those doing the most good in the world. There’s nothing more beautiful than that.

So, People Magazine, you can keep your beautiful women. Here are some of mine:

Jamie and Ali McMutrie: Pittsburgh sisters Jamie and Ali McMutrie moved to Port-au-Prince in 2002 and 2006, respectively, not long after each graduated school. Working in an orphanage during that time, they saw developing world poverty and the devastating effects it has on families – forcing many to give up children simply due to the inability to feed them. Days after the 7.0 magnitude earthquake in 2010, after the 154 children in their care were evacuated to safety from the destroyed orphanage, the sisters established their own nonprofit aimed at keeping families together by providing holistic support to all members of the family, in ways that lead them toward sustainability. Learn more/give here: http://www.haitianfamiliesfirst.org/

Maggie Doyne: Maggie is the founder of Kopila Valley Children’s Home and Primary School, Surkhet, Nepal. After she graduated high school, she set off to travel the world before going to college. She was backpacking (alone and only 18) through the Himalayas in war-torn Nepal, where she met hundreds of orphan children, who she fell in love with. It broke her heart to see them without the most basic of human needs. Maggie then used her life savings (her babysitting money) to leave her comfortable home in the US and move to Nepal to build and open Kopila Valley Children’s Home, where 40 children currently live with Maggie (who they consider their mom) and other kind people dedicated to their care. Soon after, she planned and built a primary school, which has been expanding and helping to educate more kids every year. She has worked to provide uniforms (thus creating jobs for local women), dig wells, build on to the school and home, help the kids with dental and medical care, grow food and raise livestock to provide food, and now is building a high school. You can read more and get involved here: http://blinknow.org/

Malala Yousafzai: Malala is a Pakistani student. She was shot in the head and neck in an assassination attempt by the Taliban while on her school bus, to teach a lesson to girls attending school, after the Taliban banned them (despite the fact that the ban had been lifted). She survived and went on to become an advocate for education. She is now writing a memoir and has an education fund named after her. You can donate by giving here: http://vitalvoices.org/global-initiatives/support-malala-fund or you can text a $10 donation: Text BRAVE in U.S. to 27722.

Gabrielle Giffords: Gabrielle is a member of the United States House of Representatives, who represented Arizona’s 8th congressional district from 2007 until her resignation on January 25, 2012. On January 8, 2011, a week into her third term, she was a victim of a shooting near Tucson, which was reported to be an assassination attempt on her, at a supermarket where she was meeting publicly with constituents. She was critically injured by a gunshot wound to the head, while thirteen others were injured and six were killed, among them federal judge John Roll. Her recovery has been long, requiring her to learn to walk, speak, read and write again. She resigned from Congress in January 2012, and a year later, she – along with her husband – started a political action committee called Americans for Responsible Solutions, which advocates for responsible gun ownership. You can read more and get involved here: http://www.gabriellegiffords.com/ and here: http://americansforresponsiblesolutions.org/

Zainab Salbi: Zainab Salbi is the founder of Women for Women International and served as the organization’s CEO from 1993 to 2011. Women for Women International provides women survivors of war, civil strife and other conflicts with the tools and resources to move from crisis and poverty to stability and self-sufficiency, thereby promoting viable civil societies. You can read more and get involved here: http://www.womenforwomen.org/

Elizabeth Warren: Elizabeth is a United States Senator from Massachusetts. She is not afraid to stand up to Wall Street and big business. Your politics may not be the same as mine, but I hope you can appreciate a strong woman who is willing to fight for what she believes is right. You can learn more here: http://elizabethwarren.com/

Rebecca Lolosoli: Rebecca is the matriarch of Umoja Uaso Women’s Village, a safe haven for women and girls fleeing abuse, as well as a training center for those seeking to promote human rights and economic development. When she came to see that some of the Samburu traditional practices were forcing women to endure abuse, she felt compelled to speak out on behalf of those who were marginalized and silenced — victims of rape, forced marriage, female genital cutting, as well as widows and orphans. The women of Umoja provide for their children and themselves through the sale of their beaded jewelry and crafts. Through a system of resource sharing, they have established a sickness and disability fund, a community center, and a school for their children and those in the surrounding area. Despite repeated threats and attacks, Rebecca continues to work for women’s rights. Her goal is to curb violence against women and the negative cultural practices that are harmful to women’s health, safety and well-being. You can read more and get involved here: http://www.umojawomen.net/

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And finally, it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t include a couple local women (in addition to the McMutrie sisters) here, who are doing their part to help others in our community. I’m proud to call these women my friends:

Virginia Montanez: Ginny created Make Room for Kids (MR4K) after learning back in 2009 that kids who are Children’s Hospital for long-term stays (particularly those who are unable to leave their rooms to get to the common rooms) have very little – and mainly outdated – electronics & toys to keep them busy and keep their spirits up. She decided that this – especially in an incredibly giving city like Pittsburgh – would simply not do, and made it her mission to change that. MR4K is now an official extension of the Austin’s Playroom Project at the Mario Lemieux Foundation, and in the years since its inception, it has helped Children’s Hospital (Transplant, Adolescent Medicine and Oncology units), Allegheny General Hospital Pediatric Inpatient unit, The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh, and the Lemieux Family Center. You can learn about MR4K here: http://www.mariolemieux.org/austins-playroom-project/make-room-for-kids/ and read Ginny’s blog (where you will be the first to hear about any MR4K news, as well as other charitable news, and highly entertaining blog posts) here: http://thatschurch.com/

Michelle (aka burghbaby): Back in 2009, Michelle decided to raise some money to buy Christmas gifts for kids living in domestic violence shelters. She started with a goal of $1,000. Generous Pittsburghers exceeded that, and over $1000 in gift cards were sent to two domestic violence shelters, and nearly half a bus was filled with toys. Then in 2010, $3150 worth of gift cards and over 100 Zhu Zhu Pets were sent to a domestic violence shelter and an entire bus was filled with toys. In 2011, over $9200 worth of gift cards, toys, and money were given to two domestic violence shelters. In 2012, the total value of toys, books, gift cards, and clothing donated surpassed the $10,000 mark. You can read Michelle’s blog here: http://www.theburghbaby.com/  and read about Christmas Crazy in particular here: http://www.theburghbaby.com/christmas-crazy/

Please share the women that would be on YOUR most beautiful list in the comments.

A Conversation with my Dog

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Me: What are you looking at?

Dog: Your sandwich.

Me: Yeah – I’m just going to go ahead and apologize in advance for not giving you any.

Dog: Oh come ON!

Me: Forget it.

Dog: Give me your sandwich.

Me: No.

Dog: Give me your sandwich.

Me: No.

Dog: Give me your sandwich.

Me: NO!

Dog: You’re mean. I protect you.

Me:  From what? Squirrels?

Dog: SQUIRRELS ARE DANGEROUS!

Me: Squirrels are simply not a threat to me.

Dog: I give you unconditional love.

Me: Bullshit. Your love is the very definition of conditional. Unless I have food, you walk away & go lick your butt.

Dog: Excuse me…I’m so sorry I care about hygiene.

Me: Hygiene? Really? You are going to play the hygiene card? YOU EAT CAT POOP!

Dog: I prefer “crunchy litter nuggets.” Besides, you won’t let me eat the cat – it’s the next best thing.

Me: How is that the next best thing? I mean, if I can’t have a steak, the next best thing might be a burger. Not cow poop.

Dog: So I can eat a kitten?

Me: NO! you can not eat a kitten. You can’t eat a kitten or a cat or a squirrel, or anyone’s poop.

Dog: Fine whatever. Give me your sandwich.

Me: NO!

Dog: Just let me have a lick.

Me: You lick your butt & eat poop. You are NOT licking my sandwich.

Dog: Oh, I’m sorry – I forgot – you’re too good to share with a lowly dog. Well, La-di-dah!

Me: I am not too good to share with a dog. I’m too sane to let someone who has poop germs in their mouth lick my food.

Dog: Then let me have the whole sandwich.

Me: NO!

Dog: Elitist!

Me: Poop eater!

Dog: Just one bite?

Me: If I give you one bite, will you leave me alone?

Dog: Absolutely!

Me: OK, here.

Dog: That was good. Give me your sandwich.

Me: Don’t you have some poop to eat or something?

Random Crap

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The girl has been asking to do something with her hair for a while now – cut it, highlight it, etc. but we haven’t gotten around to it for some reason. OK, not true. The reasons are as follows: highlighting it – I was just no ready to start this up, cutting it –she has super fine hair and I know from experience that cutting it all off will be a mistake. So I have been putting her off for a while to make sure she really wants to do it. And then she decided she wants some color in her hair – a bright pink streak or tips and that was something I could get on board with. So tomorrow, we’re heading to my best friend’s salon to have it done. And when I told her I got her an appointment, she asked if I was going to be getting my hair colored too, because – and I quote – “there are a LOT of whites in there.” She is responsible for at least 50% of them.

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I watched Bully this weekend, and oh man, what a heart-wrencher. I have written about this movie before and after seeing it, I believe even more strongly that kids should be seeing it. We all know bullying happens. Schools know it happens. Too many schools do nothing about it. A lot of school pay lip service to doing something – they have rallies and guest speakers and they post signs all over the place about no-bully zones. But when it does happen, they do nothing (or they don’t do enough). Or they talking-head their way out of doing anything effective. Some of the adults in this film should be ashamed of themselves. “Kids will be kids”? Fuck that noise. And asking a child who is the victim of bullying if he can’t “try to get along?”  These are the people who are supposed to be protecting our kids. Sadly, many bullies are being raised by bullies, so how can you make it stop? Until we come up with a way to make the parents of bullies give a shit, it won’t. Start hitting the parents of repeat offenders a hefty fine, and maybe they’ll finally take their kids to task. Sure – it might sound drastic, but kids are dying. When 10- and 11-year olds are committing suicide, it’s time for drastic measures. (and how sad is it that there were enough stories – of 10 and 11 year olds alone, that I couldn’t even begin to link to them all?)

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Someone on facebook: You post a lot of gay rights stuff. People are going to think you’re gay.

Me: So?

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I am currently reading Anthropology of an American Girl and so far I love it. It may have been a long time since I was a teenager, but I remember it clearly and so does the author of this book. Even if the rest of the book sucked (it doesn’t), this passage alone won me over:

Boys will be boys, that’s what people say. No one ever mentions how girls have to be something other than themselves altogether. We are expected to stifle the same feelings that boys are encouraged to express. We are to use gossip as a means of policing ourselves. This way those who do succumb to the lure of sex but are not damaged by it are damaged instead by peer malice. We are to remain untied in cruelty, ignorance, and aversion. We are to starve the flesh from our bones, penalizing ourselves for advances from men that we are powerless to prevent. We are to make false promises, the resist the attentions solicited. Basically we are to become expert liars.

So accurate. The book was set in the 70’s, but 40 years later, it’s still relevant. Which is sad.

Last I checked, Steak IS food

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I was on facebook the other day, and I saw something that really bothered me. A friend of mine posted a photo of a grocery receipt, along with a disapproving comment. The receipt included a list of “luxury foods,” such as lobster and steak. And it was paid for by food stamps.

Go ahead – get it out of your system. I understand. I mean, I am guilty. I am guilty of – many years ago – thinking not-so-nice thoughts about the two women in front of me with at the checkout line, wearing nice clothes and buying high-end groceries with food stamps.

It’s easy to immediately think, “Why do they get to eat that stuff and I don’t? I work for my money!” And that’s pretty much what I did. I judged their jewelry, their manicures, and the contents of their grocery cart. And I’m ashamed to admit that it took me a long time to realize how wrong I was.

The sad thing about this attitude it that it’s just so easy to have it. We’re all struggling. We all have problems. And when we have problems, sometimes it just feels good to have someone to blame – to take our frustrations out on. And often times, it’s easier to blame people who seemingly have what we do not than to blame the true cause. Because the true cause is often the hand that feeds us – the people who make our laws, the people who hold our money, the people who sign our paycheck, the people who make the products we need (or think we need) to survive. We’re a country of the rich and powerful holding the poor and meek hostage. And we hostages are all in the throes of Stockholm Syndrome.

But once I opened my eyes, I realized how wrong I was to judge those women, just as my friend was wrong to judge. The feelings that drove me to feel the way I did were based on envy, on frustration, on misinformation.  The people truly responsible count on these feelings to keep us believing in the myth of the “Welfare Queen.”

But you know what? Regardless of whether they are paying with a credit card, or their paycheck from Kmart, or their trust fund, it simply is no one else’s business what they spend it on. Is it a wise decision to spend a good portion of their assistance on a small number of luxury items? Perhaps not. But I am pretty sure that every single one of us has splurged on something when we couldn‘t really afford to: A dinner out when we have just had an exhausting day and can’t muster the energy to cook dinner for our family. A book or movie when we just needed to escape from our hectic lives for a little while. A new purse or shoes when we just needed a pick-me-up. A little surprise for the kids, when we’re feeling guilty about how our busy lives keep us from doing everything we want with them. We have all done it. If you truly haven’t – good for you. You should teach a class or something. but the rest of us aren’t immune. Who knows why the person that receipt belonged to was buying fancy food. Maybe someone in the family just got a clean bill or health from their oncologist. Maybe a son or daughter is coming home on leave from the military. Maybe they just want to – for one damned night – to feel like they aren’t living in a bottomless pit of debt and despair.

Maybe it’s not a wise decision. Maybe they’ll find themselves struggling at the end of the month to make ends meet. That’s a problem, but it’s their problem – their choice to make. They will suffered the consequences with our without our disapproving looks.

Why do we – as a society – feel that we should be able to tell them what they can buy?  Oh, you’re poor, so you’re only allowed to eat pork & beans or ramen noodles. And these people can’t win. If they eat crap, we bitch that they aren’t healthy. If they eat well, we bitch that they aren’t responsible with their money.

So before we jump all over them for being “welfare queens,” for eating better food, wearing better clothes, having a better phones, let’s remember that each of their spending decisions have consequences. Consequences that they have to live with – not us.

We can’t claim that they choose that life, when often, the other “choices” are not choices at all. “Get a job” is a favorite war cry of the political right-leaning. But if the only option of a job is one that can’t possibly provide for a family, then it’s not a viable – or even reasonable – choice.

I know people who will criticize me for being a working mom & spending so much time away from my children. But if I were to quit my job, giving up my salary and benefits, my other choice might have to be public assistance. And then I’d be criticized for mooching off the government, even thought I was home “raising” my kids. We/They just can’t win.

How about instead of attacking the people in the system, we start looking with a critical eye at the system itself. Give people a better than choice than rock vs. hard place. Give people a chance to earn enough that they don’t need the system anymore, by raising minimum wage to something that isn’t shockingly below the poverty line.

And in the meantime, while we’re waiting for the changes to happen, let’s give people the benefit of the doubt, rather than the harsh judgment. Let’s embrace kindness rather than judgment, acceptance rather than divisiveness. Nothing will change until we do. Poverty spreads like a wildfire – quickly and without warning. Few of us in the middle and lower class are safe. Many of us are only a paycheck or two away from public assistance or even homelessness. None of us would enjoy being judged the way we are judging others.

I Cannot Believe We Have to Talk About This AGAIN

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I’ve written about rape before. Here  and here and a few other times, too. And every time I write about it, I find myself thinking, “What year is it? We STILL haven’t figured this out?”

Because seriously? We have to talk about rape some more? I’m not sure why this is such a difficult topic for people to grasp. I mean – kill someone? It’s pretty much accepted that you are an asshole. Hurt a child? Ditto. But rape? Let’s not jump to conclusions! That seems to be the prevailing attitude regarding rape these days.  Somehow a rapist seems to bring out the sympathy in people. And that sympathy interferes with justice, and more importantly, with the effect that lack of justice is apparently having on our society.

Dear America: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!

It amazes me how much time we spend talking about the victims of rape: whether  they were drunk, what they were wearing, how they were acting, etc. Then we tell girls, “Don’t do this, Don’t do that, Don’t put yourself in that situation.” Sure – that’s good advice, but it seems to me that we should be spending more time talking about the perpetrators of rape. About how they didn’t do it because of the girl’s clothing, or her level of intoxication. They did it because they are broken. We need to start talking to the boys as much as (or more than) the girls, or society will continue to be broken.

We all see news from around the world and exclaim disgust at the stories out of other countries – stories about honor killings, about fathers, killing their daughters, husbands killing their wives, because they were raped. It’s easy to be disgusted by it, sure. But what we don’t realize is that THIS country isn’t all that far off. No – rape victims are killed, generally, but they are mocked. They are blamed. They are torn down day after day after day. They receive death threats. DEATH THREATS, simply because they had the nerve to be the victim of a crime and want justice. Their lives are ruined – as if being raped wasn’t enough trauma to deal with, these women – these girls – these CHILDREN – are told it was their fault. They are the ones put on trial. And then they are the ones forced into hiding.

They fear for their lives – they can’t leave their homes.  All the while, the community at large – and even worse,  the media – express sympathy for the rapists. Their lost opportunities, their lives wasted. The whole thing is presented as “tragic events,” as if it were something that just happened, rather than what it really is: A violent, brutal, heartless CRIME.

As long as we allow this behavior on the part of the rapists, the relatives, the friends, the fans, the media, the goddamned politicians – nothing will change. As long as we have grown men – men (and sadly, women) responsible for running this country talking about how rape pregnancies are a gift from god, or saying that women have magical, rape fighting vaginas, or claiming that abortions cause cancer, as long as we have lawmakers voting against laws that attempt to protect women from violence, only because they offer equal protection to those who are not white, those who are not heterosexual – nothing will change.

As long as this rape culture continues, we, as a society, are telling potential rapists that it is not their fault. That makes it our fault, too.

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