Parenting a Teen. Also Known as “You are Stupid”

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I generally do more blogging about the girl than the boy, because let’s face it – she’s more drama-filled than he is and she makes it easy.  But today, let’s talk about teen parenting.

Are you the parent of a teen? If so, you can disregard this, because you already know and are probably drunk right now. But for those of you whose little angels haven’t reached the teen years (or really, the pre-teen years – because that’s when it starts), prepare yourself.

So – you have a teen. Congratulations – you are now stupid. You are the stupidest stupidhead that ever was stupid. It’s a miracle that you have managed to keep yourself alive for 40-smrthrgfrt years as stupid as you are. No really. Stupid.

In addition to you being stupid – your teen is smart. No just smart, but all-knowing. There is nothing – NOTHING – you can tell them that they don’t already know.  Make sure you lock the door on the way out: “I know, Mom.”  Don’t forget your homework: “I know, Mom.” Your hair’s on fire: “I KNOOOOOW, Mom.” Do not – I repeat – DO NOT try to tell them anything – they already know.

And now, to completely contradict the last one (because teens are nothing if not total walking, talking contradictions) – I know I just told you not to tell them anything (because they already know), but prepare yourself to take the blame for not telling them (And in the brain of a teen, that is the same thing as telling them, but they weren’t listening). So, when the dog gets in the garbage, despite the fact that the teen was supposed to take the garbage out for that very reason: “You didn’t tell me to!” Or when you can’t watch TV because you can’t figure out how to unhook the stupid xbox that they failed to disconnected from the family room TV: “You didn’t tell me to!”  I will say this right now to you and mean it: I know. I know that you told them. I believe you and I feel your pain. I sometimes wonder if my son needs to be told to “Breathe in.  OK, now breathe out…”

Related to the previous one: It’s your fault. What is, you ask? It doesn’t matter – whatever it is, it’s your fault. Get used to it.

The devil in in the details. Teens are not big on details, so it’s up to you: get the details! For example, if you ask if they have homework and they say no, understand that it might not be “no” as you think of it. It might be “no” as in “No, technically don’t have homework, but I do have a huge PROJECT that is due tomorrow and now that it’s 9:27pm I am going to need you to run to whatever fresh retail hell is still open and buy me $47 in supplies.

Whatever amount of food you think you need, double it. Triple it, if your teen is male. If they are having friends over, multiply it by 16, then add 10. And then get a few extra just in case.  Because teens can eat. And eat. And eeeeeaaaaat And if it’s a special treat that you really want to be able to have some of, you are going to need to hide it. What’s yours is theirs.

I shouldn’t even have to tell you all this stuff, but you’re the parent of a teen – you’re stupid.

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About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 16 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

7 responses »

  1. My favorite parts:

    1. “If so, you can disregard this, because you already know and are probably drunk right now.”

    2. “I will say this right now to you and mean it: I know. I know that you told them. I believe you”

  2. I can fix ONE of the problems…

    “New rule: anything that’s connected to the TV when you leave the room becomes mine. Maybe you’ll get it back, maybe not.” (Obviously, you’ll have to learn how to disconnect the stuff, prior to confiscation.)

    Given my childless state, I won’t have to worry about all this. But I can say, my brother is getting off light so far. My almost 14-yr old nephew is practically the perfect boy. No signs of rebellion or general snottiness yet… Yet… My brother, himself, was completely insufferable by that age. The boy must take after me… :)

  3. I’m drunk right now since I am the proud birther of a 19 year old female that was born to push the rest of us around and the 16 and 13 year old males that have made leaving the toilet seat up an artform.

  4. Ok so I am new here.. and Umm.. just entering the early teen phase (she is 12..sometimes acts 16 other times.. acts 30ish) and I am planning to buy out the liquor store before too much longer.. the 3 bottles of wine a week just don’t get me through anymore. I am a single mom of 4 and she is the oldest.. we shall see if I am ready to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style when they are all teens at the same time. (thank you to the bitch that pointed that out to me a few months ago) I am looking forward to taking some quality time to look around your blog! But yes.. I am stupid.. I am also deaf and inept.. but hey.. who’s counting!

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