Things I Have Learned

Standard

I have learned that, as my family always used to say, Little Pitchers Have Big Ears. Especially when you are swearing, almost swearing, making stupid potty jokes about the dog’s ass, or telling horribly embarrassing stories. To wit:

While watching old episodes of The Office (at 1:48 minutes in):

She slowly looks at the TV, then at me, then the TV, then me. And with a totally puzzled look on her face, “What the HELL are they doing?”

************************************

After picking up her and a friend from pre-school:

The Girl: “Look mom! I got candy! I’m having some!”

Me: “You can have one piece. One. Piece. Only.

The Girl: “I know, I know, lay off the freaking candy!

************************************

With family:

The Girl: “I see Rocky’s anus all the time. Anus. Anus. Blah blah blah anus blah blah anus anus ANUS !”

Me: “Haha, OK, that’s enough.”

The Girl: “ Rocky has an anus and Dad has an anus and brother has an anus, but I don’t have one and you don’t have one.”

Me: “That’s a penis!”

Family members: “oh my”

************************************

In front of snooty people that seem to hate me:

The Girl: “Hey Mom! Remember the time you pooped in a bag?”

Me: crawls into hole and dies.

Advertisements

About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 18 year old boy and a 11 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

6 responses »

  1. your kid rocks! my kid once said, in a very loud whisper. ‘mama, that lady’s butt smells bad’. the smelly lady happened to be in front of us in line at kmart. she was not happy to have her hygiene issue pointed out by a child. we left the line and trolled the store until the lady was gone. my kid is now 21 and I like to remind her of this episode ~and many others similar~ in the hopes that someday she’ll have deja vu when her kid embarrasses her.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s