Dear Mayor Luke Ravenstahl,
You are so awesome! I mean, like, you have the best ideas and stuff! I totally think you are super cool and like young and hip and stuff. And like, I totally want to be just like you when I grow up. Because like, everyone knows that private jets are the way to go. I mean, who wants to sit in steerage where the, like, regular dirty people sit. Besides, you are like totally on top of things, making sure you always have the money to pay for it, right? So it’s not like it’s anyone’s business.
Seriously, Lukey, you are SO COOL. And that time you snuck into the private golf thingy to meet Tiger Woods? OMG, I totally tried to do that at a Jack Wagner concert in 1984!!! Of course, I’m not the mayor, so they kicked me out, but still – we’re like totally the same! We should SO be BFFs now!
I think we’d be like, awesome BFFs, too, because I totally blew off Memorial Day, too! I can SO understand being hungover and not wanting to deal with a bunch of old farts. I mean, like, God! And hello? Stanley Cup Finals or boring ceremony? Please.
And – oh my God, I love Toby Keith, too! And like, I totally don’t get why people were so uptight about you borrowing a little old car to take to the concert. I would totally have done the same thing. And really – Pittsburgh is your homeland, right? And like, you totally had to be there because you’re the mayor and you had to welcome Mr. Keith and make him feel secure, right? So, DUH – Homeland Security
And like, since when it is wrong to help out your friends? I mean, like, just because someone gave you campaign money doesn’t mean you should stop doing little favors for them, right? God! What’s the benefit of being mayor if not hookers and blow parties? And I can’t wait to be just like you and have rich friends who will fly me places that I can lie about. So cool!
And dude! I totally understand how boooooooring meetings are. Ugh! That is like totally the downside of being mayor, so I’m like so glad that you sometimes blow them off to do other, fun stuff. I don’t get what the big deal is. I would totally rather play golf (or maybe get a mani-pedi) than go to some dumb meeting about domestic violence. Like, duh – only the poor, ugly girls get beat, anyway, right? Like, hello? That’s what you get to do when you are the boss!
And like, it’s such a waste to spend money on thinks like…I don’t know…hungry kids or like homeless people or battered women or whatever. That’s what shelters are for, right? Duh! Anyway, since your latest idea like So! Totally! Rules! I decided to show the world that I am just like you! See:
But guess what? It totally didn’t cost anyone $252,500. Isn’t that great?
Totally Your Biggest Fan. Squee!