Quackopractor

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Mr b’s back has been bothering him lately, so he decided to stay home on Monday and go to the doctor. Of course in mr b’s fantasy world, you can decide to stay home in the morning, call the doctor’s office and they will say, “Of course come right in, we’re waiting for you. Should we send a car?” In real life, of course, when you call your doctor expecting to get in immediately (and you aren’t, say, bleeding from your eyeballs), you generally get, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Since we’re living in the real world and not his super awesome fantasy one, he got the latter. So he decided he would see a chiropractor. He looked at different listings and settled on one nearby. And as luck would have it, they had an opening that morning and he could come in.

He told me somewhat sheepishly that he was going. It seems that I am “the family skeptic.” And, well…I am. Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-chiropractors. I really do believe that they can do a lot of good. But I also have a strong belief in medicine. And by that, I don’t mean drugs, but medicine and medical science as a whole. Whether it’s doctors or tests or x-rays or therapy or drugs, I would turn to each of them before turning to a chiropractor. I have a fear of seeing a chiropractor without seeing a doctor first and him or her making things worse. I find myself thinking things like – what if there is a tiny fracture (or something) and they turn it into a big fracture (or something)? Huh, HUH? But mr b and his big plan of rightnowrightnowrightnow doesn’t have tome to get it checked out before skipping happily to get an adjustment. And whatever – it’s not my back.

A little while later, I get a call. It’s mr b and he is at the chiropractor;s office. They want my social security number. MY. Social Security Number. Ummm…Fuck no? Are tyou kidding? Forst off, he is the patient, not me, so they don’t need a damned thing of mine. Second, there is no reason for them to even have his SSN. He’s paying cash up front for his portion, and they have the insurance card. And, actually, the insurance company recently changed ID numbers in order to remove SSNs. So, again, FUCK NO! I told him to tell them to kiss my fat ass, and that they were obviously quacks and up to no good.

So anyway, he has the appointment and comes home and says he feels a little better. But he was a little put off by Dr. Quack because he was absolutely not interested in mr b’s history (and falling 2 stories might be important, you think?), but instead started in on how he could cure mr b of all that ails him. He could fix his cholesterol and his blood pressure and his hangnails and his toothache and his hysterectomy scar (OK, he actually just said the first two, but I imagine that if he had a chance, he would have gone for the others too). But, since he felt a little better, he was going to give the guy a try. He did some kind of test on him and wanted him to come back that evening for the results. He did, got the results and they made his next appointment.

When he came home, he said they wanted me to come to it. What? Why in the blue fuck would I need to come to his chiropractor? He really didn’t have an answer to that – just some vague shit about information and understanding and blah blah I smell a rat blah blah.

I forgot all about it until Wednesday evening when he asked me if I was going. After I got done laughing, I told him that no, I would not be going to what I was now convinced was some sort of scam quackery. I had a million other things I didn’t want to do that were about 47 times more appealing than that, thanks.

He came through the door that evening with a look on his face that said I was right.

Apparently, that that evening’s “appointment,” they made him (and a couple of other suckers patients) sit through a “presentation.” And by “presentation, I mean “blaringly loud youtube video on how doctors and pharmacists and medicine are KILLING US ALL!!”

Well, alrighty, then.

Now, clearly, mr be is much more stupid naive patient than I am because I would have been out of there about 10 seconds into that AV nightmare. They pulled that shit on me at an optical place once and I told them to either give me what I came (and paid) for or kiss my ass and call my attorney. And don’t even get me started on the timeshare wankers (although at least you get a free gift at the end of that shit). But anyway, he is “more patient” so he stayed and suffered through it.

At then end of it, they passed around a bowl and told everyone to put their prescription drugs in it, because they wouldn’t need them anymore. I think they left out the part about how they especially wanted the narcotics because they are CLEARLY crushing and snorting them in the back room. The sad part? One elderly woman actually complied! She was probably dead by sundown.

After telling me all of this, he pulled out his “treatment plan.” It didn’t say a whole lot about what was wrong with him, or what they would be doing, but it was super clear that he would have to go back 75 times. And the cost would be approximately seven hundred thousand billion dollars. It also had a nice description of their financing plan complete with breakdowns of payments and interest. Oh, I get it now.

I don’t think mr b will be going back.

The best part was that I talked to my aunt later that evening and told her that mr b had seen a chiropractor, but we think he is a quack. And she said, “Is it Dr. Quack over in the plaza? Because my friend E went to him last year and all he did was tell her he could cure everything that ailed her in 75 visits for seven hundred thousand billion dollars.”

OK, I know mr b won’t be going back.

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About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 18 year old boy and a 11 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

10 responses »

  1. I stopped believing anything you said after the sentence about a man deciding to go to a doctor.Ha ha haha. What do you take us for?Okay, seriously, i would have ripped the quack a new one. Scam artist indeed.

  2. Can I get an Amen?! A local quack was the guest speaker at my husband’s Commmunity Service Organization meeting that shall remain nameless but rhymes with Rions. He could cure everyone in the room of what ailed them, provided they visit his office every three days for several months.I’m sure they don’t all sound like ducks, but just the same there’s an alarming correlation between chiropractic adjustments and strokes.

  3. I actually found a chiro who DOESN’T proselytize. They’re MIGHTY rare, but the do exist. I really do think that there can be a balance between holistic and conventional medicine. I maintain my spine’s alignment through chiropractic and yoga, but I also see a doctor for regular screenings and things like infections. Isn’t life all about balance anyway?

  4. I just have to say that not all chiropractors are crazy. Really. Some of them are normal. But, that’s not the important part. The important part is that I laughed my ass off about the lady who is probably dead now. She gave them her drugs? Crazy!

  5. While I will admit this whole thing was screwy, please don’t give up on chiropractic. It is a legitimate therapy that helps lots of people.And my sister is a chiropractic doctor.It’s good to have your eyes open and be an advocate in your healthcare, but it’s also good to keep an open mind.Sorry Mr. b almost got scammed. He can be helped, but obviously not by this guy.ciao,rpm

  6. Thats really to bad that Mr. B encountered such a disgraceful Chiropractor. I am going to chiropractic school, so quite clearly I believe in chiropractic and what it can do for you. I think it is ridiculous and it makes me so mad that there are people out there like this guy, who would rather see a big paycheck than help people get better. It is guys like him that give the profession as a whole a bad rep. Boo to Dr. Quack!

  7. I am a former chiropractor and instantly recognized each of the tactics this chiropractor used. This is more common than anyone who posted on here defending chiropractors think. All through chiro school they taught us that we could cure diseases by cracking backs, medicine is bad, vaccines are causing autism…the list goes on.Several of my former friends do exactly what this chiropractor does. I stopped being friends with them when I found out what they were, and still are, doing. Also, I was advised by a practice management company to do those same things: bring the spouse, have a after hours class, wait until just the right moment to ask for referrals, etc. This quack's tactics and beliefs are par for the course in this field.

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