Kids are Assholes


Recently, someone I like very much took a hell of a beating for calling her daughter an asshole on her blog. It was an amazing yet typical example of holier-than-thou bandwagon jumping that resulted in her being accused of being a bad mother, a bad person, not appreciating her kids, not loving her kids, and escalated into predictions that her kids were growing up damaged. Damaged! Not only is this absolute fucking nonsense, it’s grade-school name-calling, character assassination, and completely distasteful bullshit.

And it pisses me off.

Because if any of these shit-throwers would bother to a) take the sticks out of their asses, and b) pay attention to more than one word in one post, it would become absolutely clear that she is a smart, caring, funny, devoted mother who obviously loves her children. And even though I’m a little late with this and it’s probably been practically ages since she said, “eh – fuck it,” I still feel the need to defend her. Because seriously.

First off, she is funny. She writes funny stuff. Tongue-in-cheek stuff. She rants about kids and a husband she clearly adores. If that’s a crime, then I’m guilty – a lot of us are. And we’re also adult enough and intelligent enough and laid back enough to overlook the potentially offensive because we know it is said in jest. Dude, if I got uptight over that shit, I would not know the total awesomeness that is Eddie Murphy Delirious. I’d be too busy bitching about the poor welfare kids and alcoholic dads and abusive moms and hairy-ass bigfoot aunts, all “That’s not funny!”

Loosen up and give me a break. She didn’t day it to her daughter, she said it about her, and there’s a difference. Although, really, there’s a certain age at which it wouldn’t bother me if she did because sometimes they need to called on it. I tell my son not to act like a jackass all the damned time – don’t like it? I couldn’t give a fuck. And let’s be honest here – kids are assholes. That’s why God (or Buddha or The Flying Spaghetti Monster – child assholery crosses many boundaries) makes them so cute – to balance the assholery.

Case in point:

I was at the Salvation Army store the other day (shut up- I once found a $400 Lladro for $12). Anyway, I was trolling for bargains when I heard a blood-curdling, “DAD…DAD!!!” Again and again and again this kid screamed “DAD” at the top of his lungs. I walked over to where he was and asked if he was lost, and he scoffed (actually scoffed) at me and said, in the snottiest voice ever, “NO! I just want him to come look at something!” and stomped off, still screaming (and I mean SCREAMING). A minute or two later, I heard a man scream from the other side of the store, “WHAT?” They proceeded to carry on a screaming conversation for the next five minutes.

Then, the kid moved on to running around the store like a maniac, making loud sound effects, grabbing things off shelves, ripping open sealed packages, crashing into things, sliding across the floor, and pretty soon, just screaming at the top of his lungs for fun. I couldn’t wait tot get the hell away from this kid, and as I was checking out, a woman came up and got behind me in line. Just then, there was an announcement over the PA system asking that parents please keep their children with them, and not leave them unattended in the store because packages were torn open and items were damaged. And then, as the announcement was still going on, this kid walked up to the woman next to me and called her Mom. And she never said a word, made a face, gave any indication that she gave a shit that HER KID IS AN ASSHOLE. Because he is. Not only that, he’s a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

So I say we lay the hell off my friend who jokingly calls her kid and asshole, motivated not only by humor, but by GIVING A SHIT about her kid’s behavior, and let’s put our snooty disapproval where it belongs – on the actual ASSHOLE parents of actual ASSHOLE kids, who perhaps need to call their kid an asshole once in a while.


To my friend – My asshole kids and I love you and your asshole kids.

PS. I’m not linking to her because I don’t want to send any more shit her way.


About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 18 year old boy and a 11 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

17 responses »

  1. This kinda shite pisses me off. Kids are assholes. That's part of being a kid. It's these "holier than though, my kid is perfect-always stay positive blow sunshine up their own ass-living in denial that their own kid is a knob-lets coddle their feelings and shelter from negativity" parents that chap my ass. I know Teaspoon will eventually do some things that will be asshole-ish and whatev, it happens. I'll never say "Tea, you're an asshole" well not till he's a teenager at least.These parents are why Lushie doesn't blog or do anything above facebook online. Too many whack job super moms telling everyone else what to do. Reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where they have a couple over and the son is a spaz. He sounds like that kid in the store you saw. the parents excuse is that he's just SOOOO smart that he gets bored easy and thats the problem.Good for your friend. Stick to your guns!damn, now you have me all riled up on a Tuesday morning

  2. Oy.I don't call my kids assholes, but I DO call my 12 year old a bitch. Ya know why? Because she CAN BE ONE!Blah.Gina, do me a favor and send me an email with this woman's link; I bet I'd really like her…

  3. Thanks Gina. I was safely in "eh – fuck it" territory, but this makes me feel even better about it.I'll send this link to my mom so that she can move on to the "fuck it" place. She didn't handle it nearly as well as me. 😉

  4. My mother called me a bitch once. I resplied that I take after her. You can imagine how well *that* went.The parents who think their kids are perfect and the greatest gifts to the Earth and the only kids worth acknowledging and 1000 times more important than any other kids are the parents I CAN'T STAND. Seriously, your kids' shit doesn't stink? Assholes.

  5. The way I write is with a lot of hyperbole and exaggeration. Sometimes people take me literally and I'm sure they think I'm the Worst. Mom. Ever. If they knew me in real life they'd know I LIVE for my kids, but everyone needs a place to vent.

  6. Okay first off LMFAO @ chasingalittlelion!! THE best comment ever! I had a similar exchange with my mom once…my jaw still hurts from the bitch-slap I received!Okay I am only 23 and I have NO kids (thank you sweet jesus!) yeah I am not a kid person but I do know they can be assholes.Kids are little people, and big people can be assholes a lot so…it must rub off on those little ones!Exception being that pain in the ass kid at the thrift store…he was an UBER-asshole and it is a safe bet that his parents are as well.Hmmmm…what comes first the grown-up asshole, or the child asshole? Chicken or the egg?Gina-you make my lol for real! Love this blog!

  7. Dude, that is awful. Not calling your kid an asshole, but judging a mom who does. Some kids are ASSHOLES. Mine can definitely be one, and he's only 2. I can only imagine the assholery that will continue as he gets older. I'm glad the blogger has moved on, and was able to understand that she isn't a bad mother for saying that about her kid.

  8. What I have learned during my time on this vast and stupid thing called the Internet is that there are so many assholes around who want to tell you what they think about you that it makes me want to toss in the towel and float off into obscurity… I've done it before, but then they would win and I would not be able to be an asshole to assholes.Sigh…:)

  9. I love it!! My Mom and Mother-in-law about threw me out the window when I said their adorable perfect little angle was being an asshole. The both started in on how you should never say such a thing… blah blah. My husband stuck up for me and now we are both bad parents. Whatever. I think that my 16 month old throwing himself on the floor and rolling around like a little wild animal screaming and trying to bite himself because I took the pen away classifies him as a big asshole. I am so glad that there are other parents who know my pain. All in all he is a pretty good kid but he sure can be a jerk. And if I remember correctly, and I know I do, my mother called me a bitch more than once… suddenly she was Mother Theresa. And don't even get me started on my Mother-in-law….

  10. If you young parents haven't experienced teenaged children of your own, then you have a very special time of your life waiting for you. Because they are smarter , can reason and argue from some skewed sense of logic and propriety that is from another planet. Rude? Selfish? Lazy? Demanding? Super critical? Condescending too? My kids are 13 and 15. It's just getting up to speed w the 15 year old. And they way they treat each other? Call the cops. I have wishful thoughts that if I made do more chores from day one and didnt cater to them so much they would be polite contributing members of the house and society. But those parents who did that proved me wrong. Kids are ass holes. Or at least their behavior is. The mystery for me is what can I do to help them out of their sorry ass state or at least realize what they are are doing is not good?

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