Monthly Archives: October 2009

Monday…blech

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I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. Not that it was particularly wild and crazy, unless you count shopping, cleaning and organizing as wild and crazy, that is.

Mr b was away this weekend – our awesome nephew Pap took him to Charlotte to see Widespread Panic and The Allman Brothers as a 50th birthday gift. He had a great time and quite enjoyed rubbing it in and sending me photos of Widespread Panic. It’s just not right. I drowned my sorrows in pomegranate mojitos. In his defense, he did come home with shirts for me and the kids, so I think I’ll keep him.

Friday, I dragged Hedge along on a shopping trip, since I had a giant list of things I needed to buy for the upcoming party. Not that hedge was super-excited about going to Hell-Mart or anything. I tricked her into going with the promise of a birthday dinner and gift. So we failed miserably at the shopping and ended up stuffing ourselves with food, mojitos and balls (!?!?) at Tusca. Because she is turning FORTY. FORTY FORTY FORTY! HEDGE IS FORTY! Ahem. Anyway, I wanted to get her something special for her big day, and I thought long and hard before I came up with the perfect, tear-jerking, sentimental gift. About 30 years ago, we started calling each other Hedgehog and Rooster. So I designed a t-shirt for her with this on it:

It brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? of course I got one for myself, too, because who wouldn’t want that?

Saturday, I went back out to finish the shopping, then came home for another mojito party. Rapunzel and Scabs came over to help me get some stuff done, which really meant “to help drink a half gallon of rum.” We did a fine job, if I do say so myself. Luckily, Scabs and I weren’t too hungover on Sunday to get as shitload of organizing and decorating done. The walls in the addition have been bare for over a year now, since I suck at decorating, so I put Scabs to work and she hung stuff and made it look way better than anything I would have done. The room looks a lot less empty and crappy now. She also kicked my ass into getting rid of a ton of stuff, which I needed.

I still have a ton of things to do and get, but I am a hell of a lot closer than I was last week. So, yay!

Oh, also – on Friday night, Hedge and I were getting off the expressway and I accidentally went through the e-z pass lane (even though I knew mr b had taken the ez-pass and I had cash in hand), and as I was sitting there like a jackass, trying to put money in while it kept spotting it back out, I noticed that a) it was the ez-pass lane, and b) the light was green. So I went through and hoped that I wouldn’t end up getting ticket. Anyway, this morning, I went through the pay lane, (since mr b didn’t give back the ez-pass) and before I even got to the pay basket, the light turned green and the bar went up. So clearly? I HAVE THE MAGIC! I called mr b to tell him:

RingRing

Him: I know, I know, I still have the ez-pass

Me: No – it happened again! It turned green and I didn’t even pay! I HAVE THE MAGIC!

Him: OK…so…is that all you called me for?

Me: Duh. You’d call me if you discovered you had the magic, wouldn’t you?

Him: Yeah, I guess so. So…congratulations? I gotta go.

Me: Fine. You’re just mad because you don’t have the magic.

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Thursday Thirteen

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Thirteen things that are irritating me today (I know – it’s shocking that I’m bitching about things, right?)

1. The fact that as I was going out the door this morning, mr b informed that our nephew Pap was staying with us tonight, because they are leaving on a weekend trip tomorrow morning. Don’t get me wrong – he’s always welcome, but it would have been nice to know in advance, so I could clean up the house (my cleaning gets done on the weekend, so by Thursday, it’s pretty bad), get the extra bedding washed, etc. And don’t defend mr b by saying that men just don’t care about the place being clean. I said something about the house not being clean, and he gave me the blank stare. And then I said that if he wanted the house to be clean before Pap got there, then he damned well better get home early and clean it because I don’t have time. And then he said, “Maybe I’ll just have him meet me in the morning.” Uh-huh.

2. Related to the above – he never tells me stuff – he always springs this kind of shit on me and then when I call him on it, he says, “I thought you knew! Jeez!!” How in the name of Damn –I-need-a-drink am I supposed to know this stuff – osmosis? He knows he didn’t tell me, but he still likes to pull out the “I thought you knew” defense, in case I am suddenly rendered stupid and I will respond with “Oh, that’s right – it’s all my fault!

3. My mother. Have you ever known someone who didn’t care? I mean, just didn’t care what you were saying, at all, ever? Who just looked through you if you were talking about something other than whatever it is she gives a shit about? That is my mother. She doesn’t even bother to try to hide her apathy, dislike, hatred, disapproval, disappointment, disgust, animosity, or misguided sense of superiority or entitlement. Ever. She’s a bitch. I love her basically because she’s my mom. But I rarely like her and even more rarely respect her.

4. American Girl dolls and their latest creation – the homeless doll. Which will make the already grossly wealthy company even richer while it sells the doll they claim teaches “valuable lessons about life.” What lessons, exactly? You mean the ones about how the wealthy, privileged kids can spend almost $100 on a fucking doll, and feel good about their little pet social misfit while the rich get richer and the actual homeless see no benefit, and go on only dreaming about having $95 to spend on silly things like food and shelter. That lesson? I’m sure it’s doing wonders for little girls all around – the homeless girls can feel better about living in abject poverty because there’s a doll that they’ll never be able to afford out there that’s just like them. And the little rich girls can feel better knowing that they’ll never have to dirty themselves by volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter – they can just buy a homeless doll to show how much they care.

5. Whoopi Goldberg. I like Whoopi – I always did. I like that she speaks her mind and takes no bullshit. But “it wasn’t rape rape?” Seriously? Then what exactly IS rape rape? Because I always placed “giving a child alcohol and drugging them, and then forcing them into vaginal and anal intercourse” firmly into the rape rape category. So why don’t you clear that up for me, Whoopi.

6. And while we are on the topic – Woody Allen supporting Roman Polanksi is not a huge surprise, what with his own pedophilic tendencies.

7. Also – to the reporter who compared Mel Gibson’s controversy to Roman Polanski’s: “sugar tits” ≠ child rape.

8. Way to not offer vaginal or vagina for a clear typo fix, Word. Would you prefer I use pee-pee? Would that make you more comfortable?

9. The Peace, Love and Donuts guy Hate, Bigotry, and Donuts jackass. After reading this blog post, I can say with absolute certainty that I will never, ever set foot in that place. I mean, hypocrite, much? Also – I hope one day he sees the delicious irony of calling people “dilusional” [sic] and “uneducated” in the same breath. Who is delusional now, asshat? **

10. Mr b will be out of town this weekend and I am happy that he is getting this little getaway. OK, fine – I’m jealous. He’ll be rocking out with the Allman Brothers and I’ll be chauffeuring kids, cleaning, shopping, doing party prep, and stressing over the unfinished projects in the house.

11. Our office mail carrier, who suddenly deigns himself too important/busy/whatever to actually deliver the mail to each office –instead dumping it all on the elderly front desk guy.

12. Headache!

13. Sarah Palin and her new, stupid bestselling-even-though-it’s-not-even-out-yet book? Because Going Rogue? Really?

14. (I don’t care – I’m a rule breaker) Dear Word – you know “Palin” but not “vagina”? WTF?

**UPDATE: the donut douchbag deleted his blog. I guess he couldn’t take the heat, and didn’t have the guts to either stand up for his opinion or admit he was a douchebag. Since you can’t go read it for yourself, it was a hateful, bigoted rant that took aim at the president’s race, homosexuality, and just about anything else you can imagine.