I have been super crabby these past few days. I’m always on the go and it is wearing me down. mr b is self-employed and self-employed means long hours – working late & working weekends. Which means everything else falls to me – the cleaning, the carting kids around, the cooking – everything. And while I understand that he has to work that way if we want to get paid (which – duh – we do), I can’t help but feel a little resentful.
I find myself unable to keep up physically or emotionally – I forget things, I run late, I am exhausted. And I can’t get everything done – so the housework gets pushed aside, which only makes more work for me down the road, which I still can’t do because I don’t have time to do it in the first place much less extra catching up stuff. Which makes me more exhausted and forgetful and distracted and so on and so on and so on until I explode. or at least feel like I am going to. So I end up crabby and mean and find myself barking at people when I don’t even really mean it and yet can’t seem to stop myself. Seriously – I can be bitchily ranting at someone when in my head I am thinking, “OMG stop it already” and want to hug them, but I literally CAN NOT STOP.
Even though I know it’s hard on mr b working like he does, I can’t help but to occasionally start thinking that he does it on purpose – to get out of things. I mean, what better excuse for not helping out than “I have to work because we need money to buy food TO STAY ALIVE”? So I get resentful and I feel like I can’t complain about it because then OMG I don’t even care if we don’t have money to pay for food TO STAY ALIVE – how irresponsible and selfish of me! And then I waver between getting passive-aggressive and mean and being disgusted with myself for being that way. Which makes me feel worse. And crazy. It’s a vicious cycle.
And when I’m like this I read non-existent meaning into everything. Person A didn’t return my text: SHE HATES ME! Person B ignored my tweet: HE HATES ME! I forgot to send a school form in: TERRIBLE MOTHER! My cat died: It’s my fault!
Don’t I sound like a real delight to be around these days?
No really – this is how crazy I am lately – yesterday I was driving home and a pretty little butterfly flew in the window of my moving car and landed on my shoulder. He sat there the entire hour-long drive home and then when I got home and got out of the car, he lifted up off my shoulder, flew around me a few times and then flew away.
For a few minutes, I had the reaction of a normal (or medicated) person and thought, “Oh, how sweet! What a nice reminder that life is good and I need to stop feeling so bad!” and then a minute later, I had the crazy person’s reaction of “OH NO – now he’ll never be able to find his home again because I drove him miles and miles away from it and OMG – what if he was some sort of sign and someone in my family IS DEAD?!?!?!?!?!”
Yes, my friends – I am that crazy!
I need a hug. Or a drink. Or some prozac. Maybe all three.
Do any of you ever get crazy like this or is it just me?