I was in my friend’s hair salon recently – and let me just go off on a tangent here, because I consider myself lucky that she even lets me come there, because every single time, I manage to offend some other customer, either with my colorful language (motherfucker is a color, right?), my outspoken political views, the fact that I show up with booze, or – my personal favorite – my liberal use of the word vagina for the express purposes of watching people try to pretend like it doesn’t bother them. Honestly – my friend is a saint for still loving me.
Aaaaaanyway, I was in the salon, and we got to talking about celebrity men and how we’re old because we think that the celebrities of yore (I’m not totally sure what “yore” means, but I like saying it) were so much more attractive than the celebrity men of today. So, of course this led to me mentioning my Five Dead Guys I’d Do List. And this was the point where everyone shut up and looked at me like I was some kind of freak. But the joke was on them because I wasn’t talking about five dead guys I’d do AFTER THEY WERE DEAD! Jeesh – I’m not a sicko. Much.
I had to explain that to them, because clearly, they just assume I’m some kind of sick necrophiliac, which I’m totally not. I mean, really. Live men smell bad enough most of the time, much less dead ones. And these guys have been dead for a long time! There’d be nothing left but bones. And sure – a bone might be what we’re talking about here, but I’m a woman and everyone knows women like to cuddle afterward and YOU CAN’T CUDDLE BONES, PEOPLE! Use your heads!
And besides – there is a quote by someone I can’t remember and I am too lazy to look up about how a man never looks behind a door unless he has hidden there himself. And if you’re thinking what the hell does a door have to do with having sex with dead people, you need to put down the vodka and listen – I will translate: It means that when you mention a perfectly innocent and wholesome thing like a Five Dead Guys I’d Do List and your sick friends’ minds go directly to necrophilia – your friends are sick and clearly think about necrophilia more than is healthy. And by “more than is healthy” I mean “AT ALL.” Sickos.
So after I explained that necrophilia is wrong and they are all sick for thinking about it, they still thought that my Five Dead Guys I’d Do List was weird, which surprised me because I thought everyone had a Five Dead Guys I’d Do List. Turns out, they don’t. which is dumb, because a Five Dead Guys I’d Do List makes perfect sense as far as Guys I’d Do Lists go – your significant other can’t get jealous, because they’re dead and you can’t actually do them. Unless you’re a sick necrophiliac like my friend and her clients. But the rest of us normal, non-sicko people are OK and if our husbands and boyfriends get jealous, we can simply respond with, “They’re dead! What, do you think I’m some kind of sicko? Sicko!”
I probably shouldn’t tell you who is on my Five Dead Guys I’d Do List, because those of you who aren’t busy with your sicko necrophilia thinking will get all “HEATHEN! BLASPHEMY!” on me when I tell you one of the dead guys on my list. But you all know me and already know I’m a heathen. And really, if all the necrophilia talk hasn’t scared you off, then nothing will. So, without further ado (and in no particular order):
Five Dead Guys I’d Do:
The quintessential handsome man. I don’t usually go for the cleft chin look, but he wins me over with the smoldering look. He’s suave and debonair. I don’t even know what debonair is, but he is definitely it.
I had a hard time picking a photos, because Holy Smokes, was that man ever sexy. He was sexy at 20 and still sexy at 80. Roooowwrr!
Just look at those lips.
I know! This is the Heathen! Blasphemy! Part. But if he looks like the traditional renderings, then he’s right up my ally with the sexy hippie look. I’m sorry!
Marlon Brando. This one:
Not this one:
I can’t officially put him on the list, because at first I see his photo and think “How YOU doin?” but if I look at it for more than a few seconds, I see how much he looks like my grandfather, and ewwwwww.
Jim Morrison: He exudes sexiness, but I also think he’d smell.
Sexy, but maybe a little bit too wee and pretty for me.
So, tell me – who is on your Five Dead Guys I’d Do List? You know you have one.