I generally do more blogging about the girl than the boy, because let’s face it – she’s more drama-filled than he is and she makes it easy. But today, let’s talk about teen parenting.
Are you the parent of a teen? If so, you can disregard this, because you already know and are probably drunk right now. But for those of you whose little angels haven’t reached the teen years (or really, the pre-teen years – because that’s when it starts), prepare yourself.
So – you have a teen. Congratulations – you are now stupid. You are the stupidest stupidhead that ever was stupid. It’s a miracle that you have managed to keep yourself alive for 40-smrthrgfrt years as stupid as you are. No really. Stupid.
In addition to you being stupid – your teen is smart. No just smart, but all-knowing. There is nothing – NOTHING – you can tell them that they don’t already know. Make sure you lock the door on the way out: “I know, Mom.” Don’t forget your homework: “I know, Mom.” Your hair’s on fire: “I KNOOOOOW, Mom.” Do not – I repeat – DO NOT try to tell them anything – they already know.
And now, to completely contradict the last one (because teens are nothing if not total walking, talking contradictions) – I know I just told you not to tell them anything (because they already know), but prepare yourself to take the blame for not telling them (And in the brain of a teen, that is the same thing as telling them, but they weren’t listening). So, when the dog gets in the garbage, despite the fact that the teen was supposed to take the garbage out for that very reason: “You didn’t tell me to!” Or when you can’t watch TV because you can’t figure out how to unhook the stupid xbox that they failed to disconnected from the family room TV: “You didn’t tell me to!” I will say this right now to you and mean it: I know. I know that you told them. I believe you and I feel your pain. I sometimes wonder if my son needs to be told to “Breathe in. OK, now breathe out…”
Related to the previous one: It’s your fault. What is, you ask? It doesn’t matter – whatever it is, it’s your fault. Get used to it.
The devil in in the details. Teens are not big on details, so it’s up to you: get the details! For example, if you ask if they have homework and they say no, understand that it might not be “no” as you think of it. It might be “no” as in “No, technically don’t have homework, but I do have a huge PROJECT that is due tomorrow and now that it’s 9:27pm I am going to need you to run to whatever fresh retail hell is still open and buy me $47 in supplies.
Whatever amount of food you think you need, double it. Triple it, if your teen is male. If they are having friends over, multiply it by 16, then add 10. And then get a few extra just in case. Because teens can eat. And eat. And eeeeeaaaaat And if it’s a special treat that you really want to be able to have some of, you are going to need to hide it. What’s yours is theirs.
I shouldn’t even have to tell you all this stuff, but you’re the parent of a teen – you’re stupid.