Someday She’ll Appreciate Sleeping In


I am a morning person. Sort of. Actually, sometimes I think I am a night person and sometimes a morning person. I think it’s actually that I am a “solitude person,” meaning it’s not that being up late or being up early are what I enjoy – it’s that late nights and early mornings are often the times when I am the only one up, and I can read, or watch TV, or work, or simply think in relative peace.

The problem with being both a night and a morning person is that I rarely get enough sleep. I go to bed too late and get to bed too early, so what sleep I get I am very protective of. Unfortunately, being a mom, I have “mom ears,” which means I am constantly waking up because someone or something is making a noise in the house. Snoring, cat scratching at the door, someone rolling over – it all wakes me up. But the worst offender? Everyone else’s alarm.

See, my family likes to set alarms. Seems responsible, right? WRONG! Because none of them actually hear the alarm when it goes off. You know who does hear the alarm, though? You guessed it. Even all the way on the other side of the house, I can hear them.

Usually my husband’s is the worst. He has an alarm that sounds exactly like SpongeBob’s alarm. I shit you not. And that is not a pleasant sound to greet you in the morning when you are in a dead sleep. It’s even less pleasant 3 minutes later when it’s STILL GOING OFF. I have been known to run through the dark house like a psychopath, intent on KILLING THE NOISE!

But lately, it’s Emily who is killing my sleep. See – she has a thing about waking up early. Or rather, wanting to wake up early. She doesn’t necessarily actually get up then. No – instead she whines & rolls over and refuses to budge. And then when she does get up an hour later, she’s pissed because you didn’t wake her up.

This is my life. She likes to beg you to wake her up when you get up, even if you have to be up at 5:30 and she doesn’t have to get up until 7:00. And if you fail to do as she asks, the drama makes it clear that she will be scarred for life. Seriously –not waking her up as requested at JesusIt’sEarly O’ Clock will show up on her list of reasons she gives me when she drops me off at the home someday – somewhere between “Pees self” and “Calls everyone fucker.”

So most days, I just prolong my own whine-fueled misery and let her sleep & just tell her that I tried to wake her, but she refused (since: a. that is what will happen, and b. I like my aforementioned morning peace). Sadly, she has now caught on to this little ruse, and is combatting it by setting an alarm of her own. Which she – like her father – doesn’t hear when it goes off.  And this alarm can only be described as “Deranged Techno Rooster.”  And don’t tell me there is no such thing as a deranged techno rooster until you’ve heard the ear-splitting “beep-a-doodle-scereeeeeeaaaaam” for yourselves.

To make matters worse, she likes to check out MY alarm to see what time it is set for, then set HER alarm to go off  5 or 10 minutes earlier. I don’t know why she does this, but I can only assume it’s because she’s an evil genius and she’s slowly driving me insane so she can have my shoes.

About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 18 year old boy and a 11 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

4 responses »

  1. She’s after your shoes. That child has been an evil genius since birth. She can’t help it since she is a product of us. The 3 J’s all have different alarms that range from a siren that could of only been used in Nazi Concentration camps to a buzzing sound that haunts me during the day. I hear it every where and then realize it’s all in my head. NOT ONE of them EVER wakes up. They have the 4th alarm. Me. Standing at the bottom of the steps screeching in my Sophie Maslov voice to get hell out of bed already before I march up those steps and forget why I marched up there.

  2. I would like to apologize for laughing, but that’s some funny shit. I especially like the reasons for leaving you at a home. HAHAHA!

    I am a night person, and I would stay up much much later every night if the world had more mercy on night owls. My whole family is a family of night owls. This early bird crap is for the worms as far as we’re concerned.

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