A Conversation with my Dog


Me: What are you looking at?

Dog: Your sandwich.

Me: Yeah – I’m just going to go ahead and apologize in advance for not giving you any.

Dog: Oh come ON!

Me: Forget it.

Dog: Give me your sandwich.

Me: No.

Dog: Give me your sandwich.

Me: No.

Dog: Give me your sandwich.

Me: NO!

Dog: You’re mean. I protect you.

Me:  From what? Squirrels?


Me: Squirrels are simply not a threat to me.

Dog: I give you unconditional love.

Me: Bullshit. Your love is the very definition of conditional. Unless I have food, you walk away & go lick your butt.

Dog: Excuse me…I’m so sorry I care about hygiene.

Me: Hygiene? Really? You are going to play the hygiene card? YOU EAT CAT POOP!

Dog: I prefer “crunchy litter nuggets.” Besides, you won’t let me eat the cat – it’s the next best thing.

Me: How is that the next best thing? I mean, if I can’t have a steak, the next best thing might be a burger. Not cow poop.

Dog: So I can eat a kitten?

Me: NO! you can not eat a kitten. You can’t eat a kitten or a cat or a squirrel, or anyone’s poop.

Dog: Fine whatever. Give me your sandwich.

Me: NO!

Dog: Just let me have a lick.

Me: You lick your butt & eat poop. You are NOT licking my sandwich.

Dog: Oh, I’m sorry – I forgot – you’re too good to share with a lowly dog. Well, La-di-dah!

Me: I am not too good to share with a dog. I’m too sane to let someone who has poop germs in their mouth lick my food.

Dog: Then let me have the whole sandwich.

Me: NO!

Dog: Elitist!

Me: Poop eater!

Dog: Just one bite?

Me: If I give you one bite, will you leave me alone?

Dog: Absolutely!

Me: OK, here.

Dog: That was good. Give me your sandwich.

Me: Don’t you have some poop to eat or something?


About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 18 year old boy and a 11 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

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