Parenting

Standard

 

Here is parenting in a nutshell:

 

Parent: How do you want your hair?

Child: Do it this way.

Parent: How do you want your hair?

Child: Do it this way.

Parent: How do you want your hair?

Child: Do it this way.

Repeat 1 billion additional times

Parent: There – I did it the way you like.

Child: OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT IS THE WRONG WAY! I HATE IT THAT WAY!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Parent: What do you want for dinner?

Child: Burgers! Burgers are my favorite! I want burgers EVERY DAY!

***3 months of begging for burgers every day***

Parent: Guess what? We’re having your favorite!

Child: Mac & cheese?!?

Parent: No – burgers.

Child: OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HATE BURGERS! YOU KNOW MAC & CHEESE IS MY FAVORITE!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Child: I’m hurt*.

Parent: Really? I think you’re fine.

Child: I AM hurt. You never believe me.

Parent: But you were fine all day and now suddenly you’re hurting?

Child: YES!

Parent: It’s not bruised or swollen. I think it’s fine.

Child: I’M HURT AND YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME! IT HUUUUUUUUURTS. I’M DYYYYYYYYYING!

Parent: OK, fine – let’s go get it checked.

Doctor: She’s fine. I can’t find anything wrong. (thinking: Man, woman you are a crazy helicopter parent)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That last scenario will play out approximately 600 times, until you have paid one million dollars in copays & xray fees until:

 

Child: I’m hurt.

Parent: Really? I think you’re fine.

Child: I AM hurt. You never believe me.

Parent: But you were fine all day and now suddenly you’re hurting?

Child: YES!

Parent: It’s not bruised or swollen. I think it’s fine.

Child: I’M HURT AND YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME! IT HUUUUUUUUURTS. I’M DYYYYYYYYYING!

Parent: No – just prop it up on a pillow and you’ll be fine. I am not rushing to have it x-rayed just for them to tell me you’re fine. You Are Fine.

***3 weeks later***

Doctor: She would have been fine if you had brought her in 3 weeks ago, but now she’s messed up (thinking: Man, woman you suck at being a parent)**

 

*Sick can be swapped in for hurt – in which case you will send your clearly un-sick kid to school, where she will promptly barf all over everyone, while telling her teacher that she told you she was sick but you didn’t believe her.

**This last scenario hasn’t happened to me yet, but I am waiting for it.

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About sugarmag

Forty-sdjhfkjsdhfkjsdh year old mom of 2 - a 18 year old boy and a 11 year old girl. I love them very much, but they drive me crazy. I'm married and work full-time. I'm not sure which of these is the most exhausting, but probably the husband. I'm opinionated. I'm outspoken. I'm loud. I'm an over-sharer. I think Tom Cruise is a jackass. I like to say jackass. I like to swear, period. Fuckers. I love to read. I struggle with my weight. I love my job. I dress my pets up and ridicule them regularly. I am not afraid to cut my hair and I don't understand people who are. I hate getting old. I love to laugh. Make me laugh, OK?

8 responses »

  1. I’m not a parent, but I’ve heard enough from them to know that this is pretty much exactly how it plays out. However, as a former child, I will say this: my mother frequently was absolutely certain about what were my favorite things and what things I hated. I mean, just certain. But she would be confusing my likes and dislikes with my brother’s, which as a child was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!! Geez, mom, get it right! Some things she never got right. For example, I’ve always disliked jellybeans, but my brother loved them. Every year for Easter, my basket would be filled with them. For all of the millions of things she remembered correctly, she never ever managed to get that one right.

    • My mom was the same way – especially when it came to clothes. She always bought me what she WANTED me to want, and not what i actually wanted. But kids are insane and do this stuff all the damned time.

  2. Lots of the sick/ hurt scenario with the 9-year old girl in our house. I pretty much ignore any malady that appears only at bedtime. Downside: when she complained of an itchy head only at bedtime and then the dr. said she had probably had lice for 2 months. Major parenting fail.

    • Shannon – your comment made my day – simply because I can totally see that happening to me. Also – been through lice & years later, I still panic when anyone scratches their head.

  3. I sent my son to daycare because I thought he was faking feeling sick so he could stay home with his sick little sister. He threw up all over daycare and I had to go back and pick him up as soon as I had gotten home. I felt like a lousy parent.

  4. Me: Wow. That seems so familiar to me, but…you mean it gets worse?
    You: Didn’t you just read what I wrote?
    Me: Well, yeah, but I was kinda hoping the psycho teen/tween behavior would magically disappear in, say, a month.
    You: [laughing wildly] Uh, no. By the way, have you been drinking?
    Me: Should I be?
    You: Yes, yes you should. This is what you have to look forward to for a long, long time.

    (Sugarmag, I’m laughing – and cursing – with you, not at you. Thanks for the post!! – Susan)

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