Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I know – no one wants to hear about my insomnia, but tough – this is my blog, so we’re talking about how I didn’t sleep last night, dammit! Anyway, I tossed & turned for what seems like one billion years, and then finally, mercifully, I was drifting off to sleep when I heard a hellacious racket coming from the back yard. At first I thought it was coyotes, and I started wondering if it was possible to get photos in the dark without being eaten by coyotes (I’m delicious, after all I have to keep these things in mind). But when I opened the sliding doors, I realized that it was not, in fact, coyotes, but a couple of stupid, boring cats. No one wants night photos of stupid boring cats.
I tried laying back down to sleep, bu they got louder and more annoying. and then I started worrying that MY cat had gotten out and was out there yelling for me to let her in. Now, there as NO WAY I could sleep. I didn’t ant to wake the entire house, so I kept the lights off & stumbled around truing to find the cat. I went from room to room calling her. Of course she did exactly what cats do when you call them: NOTHING. So I got a flashlight to look for her. Then the dog saw the flashlight beam and LOST HIS SHIT. By this time, it’s 1:00am, and I am creeping around MY OWN HOUSE like a burglar, calling a cat, which everyone knows is futile, if not totally stupid, all the while trying to keep the idiot dog from waking the whole family up.
Me (whispering): “Psst…Mittens?…Here Kitty”
Dog (totally not whispering): “FLASHLIGHT! OMG WHAT IS THAT? IT’S A LIGHT! IT’S MOVING!!! OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!!!!!!
Yeah – that was fun.
I couldn’t find the damned cat anywhere, so I opened he doors again and tried to see if I could see the cats. One was long-haired and brown & white. Definitely not her. The other was all black and about her size & shape (lump is a shape, right?). So now I’m really worried that she got out. I couldn’t tell if she had a collar on, so I went downstairs to look out the basement door. I still couldn’t see a collar. So there I was, outside int the cold rain, shining a flashlight on two asshole cats who just looked at me like, “Can’t you see we are BUSY! God!” And they weren’t even really busy. It’s not like they were doing the kitty mamba or anything – they were just practicing their duet for the local wildlife talent show. And you guys – their singing SUCKED. It was the worst song, ever. It didn’t sound anything like “Memory.”
Now that I knew it wasn’t MY cat out there, I went back upstairs & tried to sleep. But the singing got louder and more off-key every minute. And the dog was still pissed about the light getting away. Then the boy must have heard the stupid cat serenade and started yelling at Mittens. IN HIS SLEEP. He was yelling at the (mostly) innocent cat in his sleep. And then the dog was like, “Screw the cat – there was A LIGHT!”
By this time, it was 1:30 and I pretty much gave up on sleep. But then, one again – mercifully – I started to drift off again. Right in time for Mittens to make her way into the room and start singing her own song. A song called “I am a Dick”