Category Archives: Tom Cruise

"It’s rough and tumble. It’s wild and woolly. It’s a blast."


I discovered the Crazy-ass Tom Cruise Scientology Rox! video today. Oh thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Internet! My nemesis – on film – looking even more crazy than his famous jumping of the couch. It’s the Best Day Ever! I mean, at least on Jump the Couch Day, you could understand – he was crazy in love! She was magnificent! We’ve all been a little coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs over a new relationship before, right? But this…this…is magical!

Some of the highlights:

We are the authorities on the mind…we are the way to happiness. [Really? I thought it was money. I’ll take money.]

I think about those people every day that are depending on “us”. [I’m not sure who those people are…the homeless…the hungry…Britney Spears? If only he spoke actual non-batshit-crazy English, maybe I could understand.] It does make me feel like…man I got…I got…there’s more work…I need more help…you know, get those spectators and you’re in the playing field or out of the arena. [The Arena of Crazy, apparently]

Crush these guys! I’ve had it! Psychiatry doesn’t work. No mercy! None! Go to guns! [Well, of course the crazy guy doesn’t believe in psychiatry. Psychiatry would ruin all of his fun.]

I do what I can…and I do it the way I do everything…HAHAHAHAHA…there’s nothing part of the way for me…HAHAHAHAHAHA…it’s just whoosh…HAHAHAHAHA! [I’d have to agree with him on this one – there’s no half-way crazy for him, He is ALL IN. In the Crazy Arena.]

When you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it…you’re the only one who can really help. [So, the rest of you out there – good samaritans, doctors, nurses, firefighters, EMTs – just keep going. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe Tom should give us all his phone number so we can call him in case of an accident.]

You can just see it – the look in their eyes…you know the ones that are doing it, you know, and you know the spectators, who are the ones that are going, ‘well it’s easy for you’ or ‘what am I doing’ and it’s just…that thing is us…I’ve cancelled that in my…area…HAHAHAHAHAHA! [WTF?? Your area? W?T?F?]

And my very favorite…

I’d like the world to be a different place. [OK, with you] I’d like to go on vacation…and go and romp and play and just…do that. [huh?] You know what I mean? [um…no] I mean…thhhhat’s what I want it to be…ok? [ooookay] That’s how I…you know…there’s times I’d like to do that …*insert thoughtful, emotional pause*…but I can’t…because…I know[???????] *intense, meaningful stare*…I know…[You know what?]…so……I.I.I…you know, but you…you just…I have to do something about it. [About what? Seriously – what do you know??]